Heavenly Daughter, are you really there?

Saturday, May 6, 2006. Today my eldest daughter became someone else's girl.

I knew this day would come. Over the years I would sometimes think about this day, usually as I watched other people marry off their daughters. But for the most part, I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to think about it. How could I? I used to miss her when I left the house to play basketball with the guys for a few hours, how much would I miss her when she leaves to play house with a guy forever?

No matter how hard I tried not to think about this day though, still, today was nothing like I ever thought it would be.

Of the countless memories I share with this precious person, tonight one stands out.

Jessica, Tommy, Caleb and I were pushing a shopping cart through Costco in Anchorage when we came upon a former coworker. This person had deliberately harmed me in a very serious way with false accusations, but when I saw her, I had honestly forgotten that momentarily. I approached this former coworker with a warm, friendly greeting. The woman was clearly shocked then apprehensive, and that is when I remembered what she had done to me.

Our conversation was nice but brief, and when the woman was out of earshot, the kids asked me who she was. When I told them, I saw three different reactions on the faces of my three children.

Caleb looked surprised and then slightly scared, and looked at the woman as if to make sure she were moving away from us.

Tommy's look was one of unrestrained admiration and he said, "Wow! I can't believe you were nice to her!"

Jessica though, she looked mad at me. "I can't believe you, dad!" she said, "I could never forgive someone who did that to me."

I said that I hope she was wrong about that.

I have always tried to teach my children the importance of forgiveness, both by word and by example. However, I'm pretty sure my children have no idea how hard that has been at times for me. Maybe because, so far, I have been successful at forgiving others, they think it is always an easy thing for me. I wish that were true.

Many are the nights where rest never came, where all the injustice of my life erupted like lava inside me and flowed from my eyes and down my face for hours, only to subside then erupt again.

Of the trials we face in life, few are as lonely as being falsely accused. Everyone smugly rushes to believe that "where there is smoke, there is fire," even when we all know that just "friction" can produce smoke as well.

But you have to forgive those who wrong you, and those who judge you for your supposed sins.

"Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

"And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds." (D&C 64:8-11.)

A lot gets said about the importance of unconditional love in relationships. Not enough gets said about unconditional forgiveness. Then again, what is unconditional love, if it isn't forgiveness?

As Latter-day Saints, we need to remember that the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, doesn't just wash us from our sins, it washes those who have wronged us from their sins as well.

On this, her wedding day, I think back to some of the hard learned lessons I have learned about marriage and wonder if there is anything more important I could have taught my daughter than forgiveness, and I wonder if she has grown enough now to never tell herself she couldn't forgive someone.

In an imperfect world, it is just a matter of time before imperfect people behave imperfectly. Without forgiveness, you cannot keep a relationship alive and healthy. And without a true and complete humility, you cannot truly and completely forgive.

Anyway, as my mind keeps chasing sleep from me tonight, I guess I find myself fixing potholes on Memory Lane. Was I a good enough dad? Even as she becomes someone else's girl, I want my baby girl back.

Today is one of the happiest days of my life, even if I don't know it yet.

I love you, Jessica Rose Johnson.